January 2014...in a nutshell. A very big nutshell.

My mother had surgery in mid-December. It was supposed to be a routine procedure with complete recovery within 2-3 weeks. It didn't go so smoothly, to say the least. We almost lost her several times. It was liking riding a really awful roller coaster. One day she seemed to be doing better, the next, we were worried about losing her. She developed a large ulcer and was bleeding internally. She lost more than half her blood. I think it was the most scared I have ever been. Not knowing if I would see her again in this life was unbearable. I love my mom very much and have always counted her as one of my closest friends. I wanted to be there so badly. But I'm homeschooling my kids, and Jason is studying for an important exam, and we don't have any money to spare. I knew that if I went, I would not be able to stay long, so my timing had to be perfect. I saved my Christmas money and was ready to hop a plane at any time.

Amidst all the commotion of my mom's health, they finally received an offer on their home, which had been on the market for 4+ years. They accepted the offer and signed papers. Closing was set for January 31.

Finally, the roller coaster stopped; she started getting better. They had stopped the internal bleeding and gave her medication for the ulcer, and my mom was finally getting better and stronger every day. But I still felt a nagging need to be there for her. I knew that she would still be weak and I didn't want her to over do it with packing and getting ready to move. They have a lot of friends and family who could help, but my nagging feeling wouldn't got away. So I booked my flight for two weeks out. I was to leave on my birthday and would stay for a week. Just in time to help with final packing and loading.

When I flew in on Wednesday, January 22, we stopped by to see Grandma Moffat before our trip down to Castle Dale. About a year ago I had resolved to make it a priority to see my grandma every time I was in town. She is getting older and more frail. When we got there I was shocked at how tired she looked. The previous Friday she broke her arm. She told us that someone would be in that day to put the cast on. She didn't say much to us, and it felt like she hardly knew we were there. We didn't stay long because she seemed so very tired. We headed down to Castle Dale to get to work on the house.

On Thursday my mom got a call from her sister saying that grandma had been on pain medication for her arm and they were going to take her off that because it was making her too sleepy. I was relieved to hear that her loopiness had likely been caused by medication and could easily be remedied.

On Friday morning we got word that grandma's kidneys were starting to shut down. They expected it would be her last day lucid.

Mom and I drove up to be with her and help where we could. She had so many visitors. Her little room at the Wentworth nursing home was packed with loved ones. Jerald, Jess, Braydon and Alex had spent a lot of time there. Jerald said he kissed her forehead and talked to her a bit and she told him that she loved him. I could tell that meant a lot to him.

Jessica and the boys were so sweet with Grandma. I was impressed with how naturally nurturing they were. They held her hand and stroked her head. They put a cool cloth on her forehead and gave her water from a small sponge to keep her mouth from getting too dry.

Grandma's eyes fluttered open for brief moments when someone would talk to her. She would answer simple questions with a yes or no, but she was mostly sleeping. She looked so peaceful. Ron and Charlotte insisted on staying with her that night.

On Saturday we got back to the nursing home around 10 a.m. Auntie Rae had been there for several hours already. She said that grandma hadn't opened her eyes or said anything all morning. The new day brought more visitors. So many people who loved and cared for grandma. Some shared tears, all shared fond, sweet memories. Grandma may or may not have been aware, but she was surrounded by love. Her room was overflowing with it.

Jerald and his family came back at 3:00 so they could stay with grandma while her kids came back to her condo for a family meeting. I went too so I could make dinner for them. We were gone for about 2 hours.

When we returned to the Wentworth, the room was bursting at the seams with grandkids and great-grandkids. All wanting to drink in grandma's sweet spirit one last time. Cheryl was there with her little family. Boston drew, colored, and cut out a sweet rainbow and had taped it on her wall to cheer grandma up.

Within an hour, the crowd thinned out. Visitors took their kids home for bed. Stan and Marty left to check in on Marty's mom. Ron and Charlotte had left for the night. Auntie Rae and John were just leaving to get some overnight things so she could stay with grandma for the night. Mom was planning on staying too. She left the room to call dad to fill him in on how the meeting went.

At about 7:00 me, Jerald and his family were sitting in grandma's room talking about the visitors who had come in. Jerald mentioned that grandma's former bishop and his wife stopped by. She was a retired nurse, and she noted grandma's high temperature and predicted that she would probably not make it through the night. I glanced over and noticed that grandma's breathing was...different. Jessica got up to check on her. She said her hands were as cold as ice. Then we noticed her breaths were fewer and farther between. There would be a period of silence and then a small gasp of breath. We knew this was the end.

I ran out to get mom. She hung up with dad quickly and came running. I took her phone. She ran right to grandma's side. She was sobbing, “Mom! Mom! Wake up!” Jessica gently held my mom and told her it was ok. It's okay to let her go. I stepped into the hallway to call Auntie Rae. I told her she needed to come back right away. They were just pulling out of the parking lot. When I came back in, her breaths had stopped. Jerald was holding one hand and and mom the other.

We were all crying, while grandma was having a happy reunion with her loved ones on the other side. I could see her lovely smile in my mind. I could see her skipping and dancing while embracing her mom and dad. These thoughts give me so much peace and comfort.

Ron and Charlotte, Stan and Marty, Auntie Rae and John all came back to the Wentworth. Calls were made. Maddi and Cam got there, each grieving in their own way. They both had such sweet bonds with grandma. We had a family prayer. Cam said it. It was very sweet and full of emotion. After the prayer was over, we stayed standing and candidly shared stories and memories of grandma. We laughed and cried. It felt good to be smiling and honoring her memory.

Uncle Gene was at a political banquet where he was a key speaker. He was hard to get ahold of. They left messages and texts for him. He finally called Ron after 10:00. From Ron's side of the conversation I could tell that Gene was taking it hard. It sounded like he was remorseful that he wasn't there.

One thing that really impressed me was Jerald's family. I was in awe at how each one of them – even the teenage boys – were so attentive, thoughtful, and sincere. They had spent so much time at grandma's side. They were in that small room for so many hours and each one of them seemed perfectly content, as if they wouldn't choose to be any other place. When the hospice nurse came to prep her body for the coroner, Braydon stayed in there to help.

I will forever be grateful that I was able to be here at the time that I was. So glad I was able to spend time with grandma when she was still alive, and to be there for her last sweet moments on earth. I'm glad I was here to provide comfort for my mom and assistance to her family.

The day after grandma passed (Sunday), we met back at the Wentworth to help clean out her room. They happened to be having a Sacrament Meeting in the banquet room when we were wrapping up, so mom and I sneaked in the back...mom in her jeans, and me in my yoga pants. When we first sat down I started feeling a little guilty for not following John and Rae back to unload grandma's things at the condo. I was wondering if we should have been helping instead. Before the opening prayer was over, I felt so strongly touched by the spirit. I was grateful for the choice we made. I enjoyed the Sacrament so much more than I had in a long time (maybe because I didn't have 3 squirmy kids with me).

When the first speaker got up she said that she had a thought while she was chasing her toddler in the hall during the opening song, and she wished to share it with us. She thought of a conference talk where they spoke of the difference between healing and being cured. She quoted specifically about healing a broken arm. I kept thinking, this was Grandma's cure. She is cured now, not just healing. I put my arm around mom and we shed some tears. I knew mom felt it too.

That sweet speaker, who's name I never learned, then noted that her thought had nothing to do with the talk she prepared, but she just felt she had to share it. Her talk was on missionary work, and she continued on with her talk.

When she finished with her talk, she started in again and said she wanted to share more that was not included in her topic. She then addressed mom and I (“...those who recently lost a loved one...”) and shared that her mom and sister had passed away in a car accident years ago. She bore her testimony about eternal families and the knowledge that we WILL see our loved ones again. It was sweet and profound. It felt very much like Heavenly Father was putting words into her mouth for our benefit.

He loves us. He knows our needs. If we put ourselves in the right place at the right time, he will give us the comfort we need, in the best way for us to receive it.

This was the last time my kids saw Grandma Moffat.  September 1, 2013.

I love how elegant and classic my grandma's style and decor is.  I'm so glad I got to stay in her home during my time in Salt Lake.

Sweetest Boy Ever

Corbin saved his chocolate milk from his lunch at school for me today. I gushed over how sweet and thoughtful that was of him and he said, "It's not a gift. It's a privilege you earned by being the bestest mom in the world." Those we're his EXACT words. I kid you not! He loves me.

...Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away...

You know how they say that the mom is the heart and soul of a household?  Well, in our case, I think it's actually the mini-mom.  Jenalyn is the sunshine in our family!  Whenever I wake up grumpy (which happens more than I'd care to admit) she swoops in and tries to cheer everyone up.  She often says to me, "Do we need to start this day over, mom?"

• She's a peacemaker.
• She loves to help with chores.
• She chats with Grandpa on the back deck.
• She sometimes tags along with daddy to work, to keep him company.
• She keeps Corbin out of trouble in the morning before we wake up.
• She urges Corbin to play outside with her when he has been sitting too long in front of the t.v.
• She keeps an eye on Tienna for us whenever we ask her to.
• She pushes Tienna on the swings when we go to the park.

I'm telling you, she's everybody's sunshine!  Well, I {willingly} sent our sunshine away for a week vacation!  *what was I thinking*

Here's what I was thinking: after all she does for everyone else, she deserved a week away with the greatest great-aunts on earth, who are sure to spoil-the-heck out of her!  I'm so glad she had this opportunity.

So, she went to Colorado with Dale & Nancy.  She also got to spend time with Dori and Marlene, and she was able to meet the rest of Grandma Jan's side of the family.  Jenalyn had such a special bond with Grandma Jan, I know she was smiling down from heaven while Jenalyn created special memories with her family.  I hope it also made Jenalyn feel closer to her Grandma.

Here are some pictures they sent us throughout the week.

With Aunt Dori on the 4-wheeler.

With her Great-Great-Aunt Irene.

Her second-cousin Cole had a birthday while she was there.  He turned 10.

 She also got to hold chickens for the first time.  Almost every time I talked to her she told me about a new animal she got to pet/hold/play with.  That is heaven for this little girl!  She loves animals.

 She got to visit her great-grandparents' old house.  They lived in this house since Grandma Jan was about 8?  I think?

Here she is with Great Uncle Jim.

I'm not sure where she got this cute dress, but here she is with Marlene and Dori.

With Great-Uncle Bill and Dale.

She got to visit her Great Grandparents' grave site.  This is the reverse side of the headstone and she's pointing to her Grandma Jan's name.

Our sunshine comes home tomorrow.  I can't wait to squeeze her guts out!

This kid is the bomb-diggity.

I was hosing off the driveway this afternoon, while Corbin was using a medicine dropper to melt his fruit-in-ice-project-thingy.  One thing lead to another and before I knew it, we were in a full-blown water fight!

He never once complained about it being unfair that I had a hose and all he had was a medicine dropper.  He's the best!

Potty Talk

Corbin really dislikes going to the bathroom.  It's "boring".  So one night I sat just outside the door and we chatted, told jokes and laughed.  Excellent opportunity for bonding, right?  Well, it was!  We had so much fun!  I had to snap a picture so I'd never forget.

He's such a cool kid.

(On a side-note, when Jenalyn found this picture on my phone, she cracked up!  And she has shown it to everyone who will look.  I just think it's adorable!)

Done Nursing

That's it.  We are officially finished nursing.  Makes me so sad...she's my last one!  I'll never nurse another baby as long as I live.  I certainly had to document it.


Tienna nursed longer than the other two.  We made it to 21 months.  Mostly because I wasn't ready to close that chapter.  Neither was she.  In fact, she still asks for it, a week later.

What Made You Smile?

This morning Corbin seemed a little off.  So I took him aside and asked if he was feeling ok, or if something happened that he wanted to talk about.  He was really somber and it was so unlike him.

I had crouched down so we were eye-to-eye while talking.  All of a sudden he broke out into his amazing, heart-melting smile...totally out of the blue...I was caught off guard and so I asked what made him smile.  He said, "Sometimes your face just makes me smile."

Awe.  His face makes me smile too.

Remember When

"Mom, remember when we use to have the rocking chair and you would hold me on your lap and sing to me until I got sleepy?"

Melt my heart!  It meant so much to me that he remembered that.  It almost made me cry!  It made me want to drag the ol' rocking chair out of the garage and set it up in his room.  I miss those days!  I hope my sweet Corbin never outgrows snuggling with is mama!

Money Can't Buy Happiness

But it can buy perfume.  And this bottle of perfume sure puts a smile on my face!  Jason's dad bought us both some perfume/cologne.  It's nothing I ever would have bought for myself, and I felt super weird about how much it cost, but WOW I love the smell of it.  And the bottle is so pretty.

Every time I put it on I feel like a million bucks!

Grandpa Moves In

Grandpa John moved in with us at the first of May.  It's been...interesting.  I think it has been very good for Jason and his dad's relationship.  And I love to see the kids interacting with him and listening to his stories.  I hope they will make good, lasting memories with him.

For me, it has been like having another kid.  Only I can't discipline him LOL.  I can't put him in time-out or make him take "just three more bites!" before he can leave the table. But it's one more person to feed, clean up after, taxi around, and another schedule to manage.

As for positives for me, this new situation has made me more appreciative of my sweet mother-in-law.  I feel closer to Jan than I ever have.  I miss her so much! I think of her often and I can feel her giving me strength.  I often feel like what I'm doing is a favor to her.

This time it was for ME!

I found this picture on FaceBook on Saturday night. It's so beautiful to me. Both the picture and the promise in the scripture. I immediately thought of certain family members who could benefit from such a promise because of the hardships they are currently dealing with.

I tend to do that. When I'm in a church meeting and I hear something awesome, I immediately think of certain people in my life who *should be here, hearing this right now*

I always think of other people who could use the message. I rarely internalize it. Not because I'm so full of myself and I don't think I need the help. But because I'm a fixer. I like to fix other people's problems.

Well, guess what. I NEED HELP! I have been all tied up in knots over parenting a certain child of mine. I got not one, but TWO calls from the principal's office this week. I lay awake worrying about this child. And worrying about ME as the mother of this child. Can I really do this? Am I adequate? Am I going to screw this up even more? What more can I do or say to help him?

My stomach hurts and I am losing sleep.

So yesterday while sitting in church, the Lord spoke to me. And I heard Him loud and clear: I cannot do this alone. I need His help.

We had a girls A Cappella choir from BYU come and do a special little performance for our Youth. They sang one song in particular that touched me. Abide With Me Tis Eventide.

Abide with me.

That's what I need. I need Him to Abide with me...like, at all times. Always. I need the Spirit with me all day long. I truly believe that if I have that, I will be more inspired as a mother. I will lose my temper less. And I will find more opportunities to teach, instead of just rant and rave.

Then I remembered the above picture. When I saw it the previous night I didn't relate it to myself (how foolish). But, after hearing that song, it's the first thing I thought of.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11: 28-30

I am heavy laden. I need rest.

And all I have to do is let Him help me. I need to ask for his help daily. DUH! Seems so simple. But I was somehow missing it. Maybe I just needed a reminder.

I felt very humbled. And yet, I felt loved. I know there are others who's problems are greater than mine. But He spoke to ME! He will abide with ME if I ask him to. My troubles are important too. They are important to Him. The Almighty loves ME. And my offspring...he doesn't want me to screw this up either.

"Little Eyes Are Watching You"

I wasn't going to post this, because it's shameful and embarrassing. But, apparently, it's a lesson I need to remember. The other day I was in a really bad mood. It was a hard week last week, with the baby throwing up all day and night, and then I got sick too...It was really hard and it wore me down.

I was in a REALLY bad mood. Stomping through the house like an angry bear. Not pretty.

Jenalyn asked me {very sweetly and sincerely} "Do you hate being a mom?"

...

...

...

Stopped me dead in my tracks. My first thought was, if I keep this up, she's never going to want to have children!

I guess my actions speak louder than my words. When I tell them that I quit my job at the office because I always wanted to be a mommy, and I'd rather stay home and take care of them than do anything else in the world, I need to SHOW them I mean that.

I saw this blog today and it had me in tears. She quoted a poem...which then had me sobbing. I need to be a better mom! I need to show my kids that I love what I do.

Little Eyes Upon You

There are little eyes upon you
and they're watching night and day.
There are little ears that quickly
take in every word you say.
There are little hands all eager
to do anything you do;
And a little girl who's dreaming
of the day she'll be like you.

You're the little angel's idol,
you're the wisest of the wise.
In her little mind about you
no suspicions ever rise.
She believes in you devoutly,
holds all you say and do;
She will say and do, in your way
when she's grown up just like you.

There's a wide-eyed little girl
who believes you're always right;
and her eyes are always opened,
and she watches day and night.
You are setting an example
every day in all you do;
For the little girl who's waiting
to grow up to be like you.

I want my girls to have joy in motherhood. I want them to WANT it as badly as I did when I was young. It's an amazing responsibility.

The motherly instincts are there. I can't screw this up for them.



(this is an old video, but I thought it was relevant to this post.)

Lil' Sickie Lou

Tienna started throwing up Sunday night and hasn't stopped :( Today is FRIDAY! It does seem to be slowing down, but she's still pretty weak and wimpy. My poor little sweetie. I took her to the doctor on Tuesday and again this morning because she didn't seem to be getting any better. They took a urine sample...via catheter - you can guess how much she loved that...to rule out UTI. That came back negative.

Then they sent us down to the lab for blood work. They poked my poor little baby in her right arm and took all the blood they could milk out of her tiny little arm. Then they decided that wasn't enough, so they went after her other arm. It was horrible! I held her so tight, singing softly in her ear. But I don't think she heard me over her own screaming. It was truly heartbreaking. I never want to go through that again.

On a selfish note (yeah, I'm selfish sometimes), I had something planned for every night this week. I'm talking fun, social plans! Things I was totally looking forward to, because as a stay at home mom, I don't get grown up time with friends very often. And I had to cancel all my plans. So very sad.

But every time I held my sick little girl. Every time I was there to hold her after she just emptied her stomach, to wash her up and give her fresh clean pajamas, I felt like the most important person on earth. I was there to give her comfort, love and reassurance. And I could feel her gratitude for that. I could feel our bond growing.

We bonded over puke.

It was beautiful.

Utah Trip: Favorite Memories #4

Having spent most of my youth in Utah, Lagoon was one of the most exciting parts of my summers. There were company parties at Lagoon, end-of-the-school-year class trips to Lagoon, and Stake Lagoon days.

I was thrilled to take my kids there. And it was everything I hoped it would be. The memories of my childhood, combined with joy on their faces, was over the top for me.

The first ride I took Jenalyn on was the Mouse Trap. My dad told her it was *somuchfun* so she wanted to try it. She was absolutely terrified. It was fun to hear her nervous chatter throughout the entire ride. "OH my goodness. I'm freaking out right now! Is it almost over? I'm so scared! Holy cow!"

At the end of the day, Jenalyn declared that it's the second most funnest place on earth ... Disney Land is first. (Not that we know that first-hand, that's just what we've been told.) The kids are still talking about it. It really was that fun.

(It's possible that I drove this exact same car when I was Jenalyn's age. They've relocated the ride since then, but I'm guessing they haven't changed the cars. Very nostalgic.)

Utah Trip: Favorite Memories #3

Late nights at Cheryl's house making hair bows and flowers for our girls. I love crafting with my sister! And this time we didn't need Skype!

Utah Trip: Favorite Memories #2

Painting my parents' deck with my dad, while listening to classic country music on Pandora. It was fun hearing my dad talk about his old favorite singers. Definitely a memory I'll always hold on to.

I love you, Daddy!

Safe...in my arms.

I've had to have a lot of hard talks with Jenalyn this past year. First grade was an interesting experience. I haven't coped well with the transition from cute little kindergartner to big kid. We've had to talk about bad words and attitudes (she's a sponge and picks up everything from the other kids at school - good or bad). Also about different lifestyles and choices people make.

It's a hard line. I don't want her to be too sheltered. But I also don't want her sweet innocence to be gone. I want to keep her heart and mind as pure as they were when she was first placed in my arms.

So when this song came on my iPod yesterday it had me in tears. Not silent tears. I'm talking big, sobbing, blubbery tears.

It was ugly.

The imagery just really struck me. Like, I could see myself and Jenalyn in the middle of a fierce storm, with wind and rain and lightening, and our hair whipping all around. And I'm holding her so tightly against my chest, trying to shield her from any harm. I want to do that in real life. This world can be so scary. Like the nastiest hurricane Mother Nature can conjure up. And I just want to shield my children from it. I want to keep them young and sweet and innocent. But I can't. That won't help them grow, will it?

So here's the song, listen and enjoy (and grab a box of tissues if you can relate).

According to Corbin

I had an interesting conversation with Corbin this morning.

Corbin: You're actually really going to have another baby.

Me: I don't think so, buddy.

Corbin: You really are! You just don't believe me!

Me: How do you know?

Corbin: That's what mommies do! They have babies. When you stop having babies, then you die.

Grandma: If she's going to have another baby, will it be a boy, or a girl?

Corbin: Well, Aunt Cheryl had a boy and then a girl...and then a boy and then a girl...

(Actually, Aunt Cheryl only has a boy and a girl.)

...so we're going to have a boy next.

Me: Oh buddy, I really don't think we'll have another baby.

Corbin: But I really want a little brother! So I can teach him all about dinosaurs! And how to be a good boy, like me!

Me: Well, I think you better take this up with Dad.

Corbin: BUT Dad can't have babies!

....A little later....

Corbin: You're the BEST mom I've ever had!

Me: Awe, really? How many moms have you had?

Corbin: Seventeen. And you're the best of all! That's why I picked YOU!

A Few of My Favorite Things

When we got to Grandma and Grandpa's house 5 days ago Tienna was terrified of dogs. All dogs. She faced her fear and is now best friends with Pappy.


I'm pretty sure I won the coolest aunt and mom award today because I played Mario Cart with the kids. I whooped hiney at it too! We were literally rolling on the floor laughing and hollering. There were some intense, close races.


The other day my sister Cheryl took a picture of Jenalyn and then showed it to her on her camera and Jenalyn said, "Ew, my eyes look funny. Don't put that on FaceBook!"


We were hanging out on the deck this evening waiting for dinner and Corbin climbed into my lap and sighed and said, "You're looking good tonight, mom!" and then threw his arms around my neck. He must have known I was missing daddy. He always tells me I'm beautiful.


Tienna and Grandma played with noses.

I love love love this picture.

Great Day at the Park

We went to the park today with our cousins, Parker & Dillon.

And left with some awesome memories.

Parker and Dillon each wanted a turn with the camera. I can't remember which one turned it on me. Little stinker! I don't know how to PhotoShop out my horrible farmer tan!